Sanctified Silence

How Evangelical Leaders Condition People to Side With Abusers — and Call It Biblical

Photo by carmen dominguez on Unsplash

Before marriage, a friend shared her experiences about the church she attended before the one we both went to. She mentioned that in her former church, girls were often seen as being temptresses or “defrauding” men. This could happen if a girl were seen talking to a man or boy in the hallway without his wife or another person present. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, this included teenage girls and even younger ones. These girls would be asked to the pastor's office, confronted about their “sins,” and then forced to confess to the entire congregation, asking for forgiveness for allegedly harming the “body of Christ" and becoming a stumbling block for their brothers in Christ. I recalled how cult-like this seemed; I was naive and unaware that I was part of a similar system. The evangelical movement ensures that predatory leaders are kept satisfied by continuing to provide them with more victims.

In many evangelical churches, abuse doesn’t need to be concealed. It’s frequently explained away, justified, or even worse —sanctified. Victims are urged to forgive quickly, to safeguard reputations, and to “honor authority.” Abusers are often protected by institutional power, given the benefit of the doubt, or fast-tracked to “restoration.” This isn’t coincidental, it’s systemic.

Over the last 50 years, In evangelical culture, particularly in more conservative denominations, a thriving ecosystem has been designed where supporting abusers is seen as righteous while opposing abuse is viewed as rebellious. This issue extends beyond mere leadership failures; it stems from intentional conditioning transmitted through sermons, parenting guides, and purity culture workshops.

Reframe Abuse as “Sin” and Sin as “Equal”

The first tool in the evangelical gaslighting playbook is to reframe or flatten the language into “sin." Whether it’s someone lying about their homework or someone grooming a teenager in a youth group, both are labeled as sinful. Both require “grace." In theory, both are redeemable.

But here’s the issue: when everything is considered a sin, nothing qualifies as abuse. Victims are told to "search their hearts" and "forgive as Christ forgave." Abusers are portrayed as "fallen," "hurting," or “struggling,” and yet still deserving of protection. The harm is spiritualized, shifting the responsibility onto the victim to uphold unity. When I was in executive leadership at a mega-church (unpaid labor, of course), I can remember the pastor's wife and the executive pastor discussing sending sexual assault victims to Celebrate Recovery (an evangelical twelve-step program that no one seems able to escape), suggesting that their "bitterness," "anger," or uncertainty about why God was withholding their blessing was due to their inability to forgive their rapist.

This theological reframing, rebranding, and simplification serve as tools of control. They dismantle accountability and absolve institutions of responsibility because if “we’re all sinners,” perhaps it’s “prideful” to call out the pastor, the youth leader, or the dad with the belt.

Weaponize Forgiveness and Unity

Evangelical leaders often emphasize unity, especially when controversies arise. However, unity frequently means silence, compliance, and submission in these contexts. While watching the sermons of mega-church pastors, I can tell there is currently, or is about to be, a scandal when a pastor starts highlighting the sin of gossip. Pastors cannot have dissent in the church; it destabilizes their power and control over their congregation. They feel compelled to get ahead of the situation and shame people into submission and silence to maintain crowd control and protect their reputations.

Victims are pressured to forgive quickly, even before they’ve fully processed what happened. Speaking out is framed as “bitterness,” “gossip,” or “divisiveness.” Entire sermons are dedicated to forgiveness; if consequences are discussed, it is often in the context of “there are consequences for harboring unforgiveness.”

At the same time, the abuser is frequently viewed as "making a sincere effort to repent," and if they shed tears at the altar or voluntarily resign, they receive praise for their humility. This act often garners sympathy, occasionally more often than not than the survivor ever receives.

Twist Scripture Into a Muzzle

The Bible contains numerous passages highlighting love, justice, and safeguarding the vulnerable. However, in evangelical communities, Cherry-picking scriptures and even slightly altering their interpretations are used to stifle dissent.

• “Do not touch the Lord’s anointed.” 1 Chronicles 16:22, Psalm 105:15- Reporting abuse is a sin.

• “Love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8- if you do not forgive, you are bitter, and God cannot bless you.

• “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Matt 5:9- Blessed are those who ignore abuse and turn the other way.

• “Wives, submit to your husbands.” Eph 5:22-33-Wives, your husband owns you.

• “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” Eph 6:1-3-Do not say “no” and do not report abuse.

• “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” John 8:7- We all have sin; therefore, you cannot call me out on mine.

• These verses are frequently cherry-picked and used as weapons against victims rather than abusers. They serve as religious duct tape over the mouths of the abused. This is a means to uphold silence as a form of godliness and holiness and to emphasize biblical submission as a Christ-like display of faithfulness.

At the same time, Jesus, who was known for overturning tables, protecting the powerless, and criticizing religious leaders, is seldom referenced when there is a need to confront systems.

Restore the Abuser, Erase the Survivor

When someone says, “I have laid out a path for restoration,” or “We are working on restoration,” I know I’m speaking to an evangelical. While this language can also be used in a secular context, evangelicals often employ it to mask abuse; most of the time, it comes from the abusers themselves. Evangelical institutions excel at public repentance tours. Restoration narratives are highly valued in evangelical culture because they reinforce a savior complex. Look how broken he was, and now see what God has done.

Fallen pastors rebrand and return with book deals. The frustration I feel about this situation is enormous. Take the disgraced Pastor Mark Driscoll, a serpent-like creature (not to offend serpents); Driscoll, who referred to women as “Penis Homes” and instructed wives to “perform oral sex for their husbands” because it’s “biblical and he deserves it," destroyed lives when he was pastoring Mars Hill in Seattle. He left a trail of destruction, and when confronted, instead of following the biblical restoration path that his board of directors and elders had prayerfully considered, he chose to leave. The church crumbled, fracturing the faith and trust of thousands in Seattle and the surrounding areas. Mark caused irreparable damage. Instead of being held accountable, he was interviewed by other mega-church pastors, some of whom have been embroiled in their scandals, wrote some books, and returned as a mega-church pastor in Arizona.

Churches protect their image and donors by hiding internal investigations. Many churches and organizations are beginning to hire outside parties to remain transparent with their congregations. However, even with these organizations, they still require transparency from the churches themselves, and many churches are still unwilling to offer it or bypass it through the bible.

Survivors, however, frequently find themselves marginalized and characterized as angry, challenging, or “unwilling to reconcile.” Their path to healing does not conform to the norm. Their Trauma is regarded as an annoyance. In the end, the abuser is given a pulpit, and the survivor is told to go “work on their heart quietly.”

The Emotional Conditioning Is Deep

If you grew up in this environment, you might not have seen any of this abuse back then. It likely seemed virtuous to offer forgiveness, obedient to remain quiet, and spiritually mature to defend the pastor, leader, or spiritual authority. As a means of survival, you were conditioned to doubt yourself and label the trauma they inflicted on you as a trial.

You were conditioned to think:

• Speaking up about abuse is gossip.

• Anger is sinful.

• Forgiveness signifies restoration.

• Public exposure is an assault on “God’s people.”

• Your pain should come second to someone else’s journey of redemption.

But that was never justice; It was abuse, and it is still abuse. Churches shouldn’t require victims to shield their abusers. Churches shouldn’t silence the hurting. Churches shouldn’t label truth-telling as a sin. Churches shouldn’t require you to pretend the trauma they inflicted on you doesn’t exist to be “obedient.”

This Isn’t Just a Church Problem. It’s a Culture of Compliance

When evangelical leaders urge people to align with abusers and assert it’s biblical, they are not creating a spiritual family — they are establishing a system of compliance and control. This system is designed to prioritize power over people, image over integrity, and platform over accountability.

To survivors:

You were not wrong in voicing your feelings.
You are not flawed for choosing to leave.
You are not resentful; you are courageous.
And you do not owe anyone silence if they used God’s name to keep you small.